Kelsenellenelvian

Cool when I get my laptop on tuesday I will have to give this a try!

Welcome hope you like it here...

Hahahahahahah were did you come up with this?

It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements: "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech... such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless mounds of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic ****-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-****, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: Ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends... don't shave your ass-hair!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. ={^:^}= Meow-hahahahahahahahahaha

TODDLER MIRACLE DIET People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation Diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. GoodLuck!!! *********** DAY ONE BREAKFAST: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest On the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. LUNCH: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). DINNER: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. BEDTIME SNACK: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. *********** DAY TWO BREAKFAST: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. LUNCH: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful Of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. AFTERNOON SNACK: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug. DINNER: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. *********** DAY THREE BREAKFAST: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair. LUNCH: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. DINNER: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible. *********** FINAL DAY BREAKFAST: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. LUNCH: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. DINNER: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. ***********

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" And doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Ok now tell me how to do it for XP

:lol: j/k

Horray!

Ooo really close. Sorry my second clue was slightly off. This was the last movie not one of the unholy trilogy.

George A. Romero is the director of this movie. Also called one of the "Unholy Trilogy".

Nope keep trying.

Ok lets really get this party started!

Hey cool!

Hey now thats neat!

Here is my desktop.

Ha mritter went rather unusual with this one. The controls are on the bottom in a dock-style format... Download here! My usual standard theme... Download here!

HEY [ codebox ] does not work on this forum! n1k please consider adding in [ codebox ] functionality!

Windows Post-Install Wizard (WPI for short) is a hypertext application designed for giving users choice. While Windows XP offers many ways of customizing the setup process out of the box, its major drawback is the lack of being able to select which applications an end user may install. In the past, end users and administrators needed to either download the files manually, or create overly complex scripts that could only be used once. WPI allows you to create one image, which can then be custom configured, and optionally, automated, so that end users can install any applications that have been configured into WPI. MAJOR NOTE!!! You must edit your config.js file and add in the missing slash marks \ because WPI no longer adds them in after using variables. Highlights: WPI ChangeLog. Modifications by Mark Ritter (mritter) =============================================================================== * Quotes are now put around the command paths so spaces in the path will be taken care of. * Created a new "built-in" manual. Only 50% done. * Options -> Miscellaneous tab eliminated. Log gadgets moved to Tools tab. Use Multi Defaults checkbox moved to Installer tab. Show Extra Buttons checkbox removed. * WPI now can detect if it was started from a CD/DVD or a harddrive. If started from hdd then the extra buttons (Options, Config,....) are shown. If started from CD/DVD then they are automatically hidden. No more forgetting to turn it off when burn a UACD. * Added two new commands for Config wizard: RegKeyExists() and RegKeyValue() for use in Cond and GCond statements. RegKeyExists("HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\WPI\Theme") returns true or false. RegKeyValue("HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\WPI\Theme")=="Glossy" * Removed all code for Media Player in WPI main window. It is still available in the install window. * Added an icon in Config wizard to access Universal Silent Switch Finder to easily find the switches. Arguments are not allowed, just the plain path. Sadicq totally re-wrote USSF, gave it an interface, and incorporated it with WPI so can send the switches directly to the command line. PEiD is no longer needed. Four new images in the themes folders: USSF_Out.jpg, USSF_Over.jpg, USSF_Down.jpg, USSF_Disabled.jpg NOTE: WPI and your archives folder must on the same partition!!! * WPI used to add the \ (backslash) to system variables, it now does not to be more like native Windows environment. * A list of the global variables is now saved in the log file. * There are some extra sound files in Audio -> Beeps folder. Copy one to your theme folder and rename to TimerSound.wav * Added to Options -> Installer: 'Start beep at t-minus seconds' To customize when to start count-down beep. Set to 0 to not play sound. * Added a check box in Options -> Installer: 'If grayed condition is true, disable the check box' * Fixed a bug dealing with grayed condition not setting the text color correctly. * Added %sleep% to make WPI pause for x seconds. Put it on a command line: %sleep% 10 For a 10 second delay. The command window can't be hidden at this time. * Added %reboot% to force a reboot at anytime. Put it on a command line. %reboot% Reboot immediately %reboot% 10 Reboot after 10 seconds %reboot% 15 -c "A message why" Reboot after 15 seconds and show a message * Michael Mims (Zorphnog) updated the installer to allow for a reboot during the installation process. This will allow for drivers to be installed or user settings to be changed, reboot, install the rest of your software. * Sadicq fixed a bug in the Config wizard dealing with adding a new category it would duplicate what was already there. * InstallProgBar.png and TimerProgBar.png are now two seperate entries in the wpi.css and installer.css files. Can have two different images. * Updated the Options tabs to a better version that is AJAX based. This changed the theme files yet again. * Fixed a bug dealing with forced items not being re-checked when hit Exit and Force Install is checked. Caused by Zorphnoq's update below (not his fault). * The tool tip style is now theme independant. A new file is saved in the theme folder, wpi_style.js, for each theme's tips. Your current settings will be saved the first time you go in to the Options wizard. * David Di Certo wrote code to get the operating system's language TLA for use in the installer as a variable %oslang%. It can be used like this in a command line: WindowsXP-KB918899-x86-%oslang%.exe * Fixed a bug dealing with the audio player in the Classic theme. * Eliminated generate.js by moving the code to core.js and installer.js. Also cleaned up some of the function calls that were repetitive. * The gcond[] statement in config.js is now only saved if changed from the default: FileExists('%programfiles%\'). * Fixed another bug in the timer if set to 0 in command line args or in user options. * Fixed a bug in the count down timer. =============================================================================== Download Download Here! Notes and Extras Suggested disk folder layout: With the above folder layout all your config entries should read like: %wpipath%\Install\Blah.exe I have seperated the tools out from the main archive. You can download the tools here: Tools archive. Contents of the tools archive: cmdow Universal Silent Switch Finder PEiD WPI Config Lister CDSwitch autorun.inf <-- Updated and fixed wpi.ico New icon thanks to WolfX2 TaskKillS.exe from sadicq Here is a quick start package that will set your windows disk up to use WPI with runonceex all you need is to place this %oem% folder at the root of your windows disk. You MUST have the line "OemPreinstall=Yes" in your winnt.sif file if you want to have the MCE theme if you dont feel the need the cmdlines.txt will still run WPI for you even without a winnt.sif file. %OEM% Folder. Contents of the %OEM% archive: Media Center Style XP Theme (NO uxtheme.dll hack needed!) cmdlines.txt regentry to set MCE theme for runonceex window. runonceex.cmd 1194 .png images for your pleasue to use in your tooltips or whatever! PNG Collection. How to make a winnt.sif file. Here is a small tutorial on how to add an app to WPI! Ok this is a sample (Very simple) configuration for Windows Defender Beta 2 This assumes you have all of the WPI files either in the WPI folder at the root of your Windows cd or all of the WPI folders (Common, Graphics, WPIScripts, Tools, Install and Themes) and the file WPI.hta at the root of your cd. Remember this is just the most basic and required entries for a program! #1 Place the desired app in the install folder. (In this case WindowsDefender.msi) #2 Run WPI.hta and choose